You can't
by jankisu02
Summary: I love you Kiku. But you can't love me." I muttered wishing I could actually say it at his face. I drifted desiring for death. America's POV
1. Chapter 1

This is my first Ameripan fic ever. D: So please be nice. o///o

Warning: Not Beta-edited and slight OOCness

This is in America's POV

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Kiku winced as he fell downward. The pained expression he had seemed too exaggerated for just a light fall. I knelt down, leveling him. "Does it hurt because of _that_?" _That._ We knew what _that_ is. How can we ever forget? He could forget about it but I couldn't. It will be engraved in my conscience for eternity.

Brown eyes stared at me. "It does not hurt that much." He was too kind. He still didn't want me to blame myself. He smiled warmly at me.

"But it is because of that, isn't it?" I held him in my arms, bridal style. I seated him on the chair meanest. "I'm sorry."

"Alfred-san plea-"

"How can you still be so kind to me?" I avoided his gaze. "After what I did to you during the war. Why are you still so good? Why?"

A moment of silence past us. "Because," the hushed atmosphere was intruded, "You helped me get back on my own feet." His small delicate hands cupped my face, forcing me to stare with his brown eyes. "I am very grateful."

So gentle, he was so gentle. He touched me like I was something dear too him. I spoke bitterly, "When I first came to your country and started your enlightenment, I felt a connection." I caressed a hand that held my face. "A connection stronger than anything. It was like my whole body knew. I felt my soul rejoicing at that time." A small blush appeared on his cheeks. "But I almost killed you during the war…" Memories of WWII emerged. Images of Kiku splattered in his blood came into view. The painful depiction wounded my heart.

"I was the one who gave you a reason to." His voice was trembling. "Please do not carry all the guilt." A forced but pure smile curved on his face. "Pity, happiness, sorrow, regret, vexation and anxiety are important components of love." My sapphire eyes widen at the word. Love? Could he possibly love me with all that I've done? The answer was yes. I conclude that as he pressed his lips gently against mine. The calm consecutive beating of my heart changed, it pounded so much I thought it'll escape my ribcage. He withdrew his lips momentarily showing a slight smile and beat red cheeks. "Please understand."

"You," I was startled with his irrelevant actions. "You can't." I removed his fragile hands from my cheeks. "I have to go." I ran. I ran like my life depended on it. I didn't dare glace at him as I ran.

"Alfred-san!"

_No don't look back!_ My internal dialogue screamed. _Keep running!_ I followed the voice that ordered me. I reached a small, dark alley. I leaned against one of the walls and slid downward. "You can't." Kiku can't love me. He just can't.

_I'm not worthy of his love._

_I could never be worthy of his love._

_I wasn't worth loving._

_How can I let him love me if I hate myself?_

_I'm worthless. _

A sharp object caught my attention. A pointed glass shined, provoking me. I took it in my hand. I tested its sharpness with my bomper jacket. It went through almost instantly. Perfect. I thrust the object through my abdomen forcefully. I winced at the pain. Crimson liquid started to ooze out. I could feel my head being clouded with nausea.

"I love you Kiku. But you can't love me." I muttered wishing I could actually say it at his face. I drifted desiring for death. But I knew this wasn't enough to kill a country. This was only for the time being. I would still face reality later on but it won't hurt to hope, right?

"You idiot." A familiar husky voice said and my whole body was carried into a cramped place. A car I presumed. It moved and I wished it was toward hell. I knew heaven won't accept me anyway.

"You're not dead you twat."

_To be continued…_

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So who wants to guys the person at the end? 8D Chapter 2 in progress...hope to post it soon.  
PLease review. Thank you. ;w;_  
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	2. Chapter 2

America's POV

Look, I'm really sorry for this short chapter. Our internet connection isn't that nice so I couldn't do much. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. ;A; I'll try posting the 3rd chapter before Monday so please be patient. Thanks to those who read the first chapy. I'm honored. o//v//o

Warning: NOT BETA-EDITED, Slight OOCness and not historically accurate

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A bright light awaken me. I sat up, comprehending where I was. I could never forget that place. It was where I grew up anyway. I felt a sharp pang of pain on my abdomen as I sat upright. I looked at the source and saw my bandaged wound, minimal blood staining the binding.

"Still hurts?" I looked at the bushy eyebrowed man leaning against the open door. He walked toward me with his arms crossed against his chest, his expression unreadable.

"Sorta." I spoke as I felt a sting on my wound.

He sighed, signaling relief and irritation. "So, what the bloody hell was in your coconut of a head to do such idiocy?" he said calmly as his emerald eyes guarded me. I remained silent. My head spun slightly, averting his gaze. This wasn't something I'd share with the old man, though he knew. "Is it because of Japan, again?" I nodded avoidance still in my goal. "How selfish."

My head turned to him, questioningly. "What?"

"Aren't you only hurting Japan, yourself and your people?"

"My people…" I trailed off.

"What do you think happens when you intentionally hurt yourself? You think they received more crops? More currency? Hell no!" his composure breaking to tiny pieces, "Calamities you idiot! They get hurt and sometimes die!"

"Why do you even care?" I spat out. He didn't need to care. I was hurting another person again…no millions. I knew that pretty well but…

"Because _he _cares."

I stared at him. "Because of Kiku?"

Now he was the one to avert his gaze. "He cares about you, not only you but also your country."

"Arthur, hey I-"

"I know, okay? I know. All I can do at this point is to try making him happy as an ally." He said the word ally with bitterness. "That's I'll ever be now."

Silence dominated the room. It was so hushed you could hear a pin fall. But his husky voice pierced the stillness. "I knew Kiku didn't love me and that he had feelings for you but," he gazed at me with an agonized expression. "I took advantage of his weakness and forced myself onto him."

My sea blue eyes widen with disbelief. "What you…" I trailed off, uncertainty clouding my head.

"It was a few years after World War II, when you kept your distance from him."

_To be continued. _

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I'm really sorry that this is wayyy too short. I promise to make up for it on the 3rd chapter. ^^;

Review please. I'd love to have some suggestions if ever. :3


	3. Chapter 3

**ATTENTION: THIS CHAPTER IS IN ****ARTHUR'S POV**

Warning: Not beta-edited

oh gosh, no internet sucks. I swear we should totally call PLDT nao. :I

Sorry if this chapter is super duper delayed...I forgot to update this here, I was only able to update it on DA...sorry...anyway...chapter 4th won't be done for a while sorry, but I'll make it long I swear! ;3;

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As I narrated the sin I've committed to my former colony, images played in my mind, making the memory vivid and more painful. This reminiscence would forever agitate me.

_"Kiku?" My footsteps echoed in the small dark room but as I stopped in front of the man sitting on his futon silence dominated the room, only our silent inhalation sounded. And I spoke breaking the stillness. "Are you…alright?" My emerald eyes spied crystal liquid falling pass his pale cheeks. "What's wrong?"_

_His petite hands brushed the evidence of sorrow, "Nothing is the matter, Arthur-san. I am fine." A small forced smile coiled on his face. This smile was dissimilar from his genuine smile. It gave me no joy only grief. "Please do not worry." He said faintly in a trembling voice like of a witness of a crime being asked what he knew and saw._

_I drew closer to the raven haired man and collected him in my arms, his pain and suffering passing through my heart like sharp pins. "I don't like seeing you this way." I embraced him tightly, feeling no resistance from him. "And over him as well. You're too precious for this heartache." I pulled back and stared at his lifeless eyes, "Forget about him. Just forget about Alfred." My voice hinted resentment. My thumb and forefinger impulsively took his chin and my lips instinctively pressed to his not giving him time to respond. I heard muffled protests as I pulled him closer and firmer. In protest, Kiku's hands clenched my shirt, trying to pull away from my hungry lips. I freed him as the arrow of consistency hit me hard. "I…I'm sorry."_

_I liberated his small frame and spoke, trying to explain the indignity I had done. "I didn't mean to…" I disconnected my gaze as shame filled my whole body. "I'll leave now."_

_I started to walk toward the open door but a tug on my sleeve prevented me to pass the door fully. I turned to the little force that pulled me and found unshed tears on those beautiful brown eyes. "Please help me…" he clasped the sleeve he held. "..forget."_

_I cupped his face and looked intently at him. "Please." He pleaded. "Is this what you really want?" I questioned. His expression told me everything that ran inside his mind. "I'm not going to force you. Are you sure about this?" He nodded._

_He was going to regret this. He was going to hate himself for this. He was going to blame himself. He was going to feel defiled. I knew all these but instead of controlling myself I leaned in and took his lips once again. The feeling was incredible. I felt my soul burn in my sin._

_"A…nnnghh…ahh." Accidental moans filled the room as my hips rhythmically slammed against his prostate. I could taste the bitterness of his sweat as my tongue slid to one of his pinkish nipples. "Al…fred..sahh…nn." he breathed with whimpers interrupting.  
Even though I was the one with him, Kiku was thinking of Alfred all this time. H couldn't forget about him after all. I knew he couldn't do it, but I choose to hurt him and to hurt myself._

_Broken once again. My heart broke into tiny bite size pieces again… did I not deserve love? With what I've done I don't think so._

"After that we never once talked about it." I said to the puzzled man I was telling my story. "Hey don't look at me like that!" I spat. "Is it that unbelievable?"

"No it's just…"

"I was stupid and selfish." I stood from the wooden chair. "And until now, I'm still hoping his feelings would change," I smiled sadly, "but just a little bit, I'm nothing compared to you." He was silent, it was sorta annoying actually. "Shock doesn't suit you at all." I strolled toward the door, "Get some rest, you still need to fix things."

"Wha-" he started but I cut him off, "You better fix this you wanker." I leaned on the closed door, slowly sliding down. "He should or I'll kill him." I whispered.

I collected myself and headed to my living room, anguish still filling my heart. I held the phone to my ear as my hands dialed a number I could never fail to remember. "Its Arthur, come on over, he's here." I spoke as the other line answered.

_to be continued._

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_Thanks to those who reviewed! That means a lot..I hope I can write chp 4 faster...I hope you guys would like this.. /_  
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